04.05.06
Finished Object: Hideous Legwarmers
Pattern: Totally effed up version of the legwarmers from Last Minute Knitted Gifts
Yarn: Misguided combination of Cascade 220 and Kidsilk Haze
Notes: It helps not to be an idiot while knitting this pattern.
Back in December I was intrigued by MintyFresh’s idea for hidden legwarmers. I have no interest in legwarmers as a fashion statement — I try to make as little statement as possible with my fashion decisions, such as they are. Having a good deal of Yankee practicality in my genes, however, I was drawn to them not for their form but for their function: their potential to provide a little extra warmth against the whipping winds of New England winters. Cleverly worn under pants, not skirts, they would be like long underwear but much easier to take on and off as needed. Smart, right? Well, here they are:
What, that’s not quite as much as you wanted to see? I think you should trust me here that you don’t want to see any more than that. Seriously. Well, fine. Before I show them to you, though, I just want to remind you that they aren’t meant to be seen. (Good thing, too, because they would terrify babies and make grown men cry. Even the pictures all came out terribly for some reason.) In my defense, I still think this is a good idea. And it’s not my fault that everything went wrong in its execution. Well, actually, it’s entirely my fault.
First I picked an ill-conceived yarn combination. The LYS didn’t really have anything that inspired me, but at the time I was eager to start the project and I’d spent so much time dithering about it in the store that I felt I really ought to buy something. I thought the brown would be nice and conservative and the orange would spice it up a bit and give it a nice autumnal feel. Unfortunately, these two things combined to create an effect I can only describe as fur. Not expensive, haut couture fur (which I hope none of you wears), but more like horse fur. Donkey fur. Basically I look like my legs grew a nice thick coat. Of fur.
Second, I inadvertently did K2P2 instead of K1P1 (the latter being the ribbing suggested by the pattern). This accomplished two things. First, it made the legs less stretchy than they needed to be to fit all the way up to above the knee. Second, I think K2P2 ribbing is a fairly masculine rib (if there’s such a thing), so it destroyed the remote possibility that these legwarmers might have a hint of cuteness. I think I made this error because I started these during the time I was working day and night on the reversible rib shawl, which is all K2P2, and I think my hands couldn’t fathom any other ribbing pattern. By the time I realized what I’d done, I was halfway through the first legwarmer and opted not to take it out. Instead I just incorporated some increases to keep the damn things from cutting off my circulation at the thigh end.
Third, you can see that I ran out of orange mohair about two-thirds of the way through the second legwarmer. Given my hatred of how these were coming out, you can bet I wasn’t about to go buy additional yarn; I simply switched to the leftover (red) mohair from the RRS. Let’s agree that the color change gives it a modern look.
Finally, I’d just like to take a moment to be bitter about the fact that the author of this pattern, Joelle Hoverson, places it in her book’s chapter of two-to-four-hour gifts. I have complained before that this is clear evidence that she partaking of illegal substances. I don’t know how long it really took me — I’d guess maybe 12-15 hours? — but I’d just like to thank Ms. Hoverson for the near-total decimation of my knitting self-esteem. All for a pair of gawdawful legwarmers.
In a move recommended by my knitting therapist*, I am attempting to move on from this traumatic experience by focusing my energy elsewhere. So after a lot of dawdling and procrastination, I finally cast on for Starsky last night. With each cable row the pain of the legwarmers disaster fades a bit more. Soon I will be whole again.
*No, I don’t actually have one, but now that I’ve thought of the idea I think there just might be a strong market for this service; let me know if you want to apply to my just-founded degree-granting Rhode Island School of Psychoknittery.
Mothhair said,
April 5, 2006 at 1:13 pm
Oh, Rachel, how you do brighten my day! As opposed to these legwarmers, which, I regretfully admit, do not. However, it is not your fault, except for the part about just switching colors in mid- (or actually quite late-) stream. Be consoled by the facts that (1) Starsky will soon restore your faith in your higher knitting self and (2) it helps all us run-of-the-mill knitters to see that even you, our knitting goddess, occasionally have a less than perfect score. Onward and upward!
Laura said,
April 5, 2006 at 1:28 pm
Is it ok for me to laugh at these? Are they at least warm and functional?
Good luck with Starsky–find all the mistakes before I get around to knitting it.
Areli said,
April 5, 2006 at 1:29 pm
This was such a funny post. And I commend you for your honesty! If something I make doesn’t turn out, I would rather not talk about it. They will keep you warm, though, and they look very cute just peeking out under your jeans! I can’t wait to see some of Starsky, the more people knitting this pattern, the more I want to, too!
Mintyfresh said,
April 5, 2006 at 2:39 pm
Like Laura, am I in the clear for laughing? We can “agree” that the change in color gives it a modern look, suuure, Rachel :)
I’m bummed your legwarmers didn’t turn out the way you wanted. Honestly, though, the next time it snows (what next time? i mean TODAY when it snows) or is bitterly windy and cold, you will be sooo thankful to have plush warmth all over your legs. Seriously–it makes all the difference between chattering teeth and a calm jaw.
Carry said,
April 5, 2006 at 4:38 pm
Well, you did say they were HIDDEN legwarmers! :)
I have to say I had no desire to knit legwarmers, but as hidden legwarmers that’s not a bad idea…We don’t get the winters you do, but we do have cold wind and rain most of the winter…hmmmm…
Chris said,
April 5, 2006 at 5:18 pm
Hee hee. I think you were being punished by the knitting gods for making leg warmers after having lived through the 80s.
Kelly said,
April 5, 2006 at 5:29 pm
Proooooooooooowww!!! hehehe
Hey as long as they are warm and cosy under those jeans you’ve got nothing to worry about!
Leah said,
April 5, 2006 at 8:05 pm
Aaawwww. But you are so cute describing your legwarmer knitting adventure. And I love how, when you ran out of orange mohair, you pushed on instead of letting these cozy/functional beauties languish in the UFO basket. For that you are to be commended!
Shelley said,
April 5, 2006 at 8:41 pm
I was in junior high and high school in the 80’s when leg warmers were big. I wasn’t cool enough to have them until they were pretty well going out of style. However, let me assure you, I didn’t wear them much in public because they were worn over pants and I felt they were too uncomfortable. So, basically they went unworn much.
I wonder…if they come back again (regardless of wearing them on the inside or outside of pants) if I would be cool enough to wear them…probably not. So unless some weird kid asks me to knit a pair for her, then I probably wont make them…maybe…unless they become part of high fashion again and I make them for the mitten tree at church…
Emily said,
April 5, 2006 at 9:09 pm
Do they keep your legs warm? Is anyone able to see them? Then it’s all good.
I totally missed your sock post (a curse on YOU rss feeds)! Did you bring any of that nifty candy back form your delusion? Because that would be awesome.
Mary Ann said,
April 5, 2006 at 10:32 pm
What courses would the School of Psychoknittery include? You are so clever, I’ll bet you could come up with some doozies!
Paloma said,
April 6, 2006 at 9:59 am
So, maybe they are not your prettiest FO, but they seem to be pretty functional! For someone who is constantly complaining about being cold (like me) these seem like a great idea. (Especially if they are hidden).
Allison said,
April 6, 2006 at 11:22 am
I’m trying to express my heartfelt sympathy, but…I’m just laughing too hard. But not AT you, WITH you :)
Some knitting experiments are doomed to fail, and yet you can’t stop yourself and just scrap the project. I’m glad you haven’t thrown in the towel–I can’t wait to see Starsky.
Oh, and as a Last Minute Knitted Gifts knitter, I have long felt Ms. Hoverson was smoking something purchased in a back alley. I recommend taking a magic marker and obliterating all the time estimates.
Wonderland Knitter said,
April 6, 2006 at 12:05 pm
Functional and hidden – who could ask for anything more.
I too, would like to hear what classes are offered by the School of Psycoknittery.
Very funny post!
Shelagh said,
April 6, 2006 at 1:56 pm
I found it fascinating that you were making leg warmers in the first place…
They look sweet with your retro sneaks.
:)
NessieNoodle said,
April 6, 2006 at 6:52 pm
At least you will be the only one who *knows* about them while sporting around with them under your jeans… unless of course you decide to participate in a roller-rama in the near future (I bring this up only becuase my best friend has planned a roller-ramma for her birthday- this means legwarmers, slouch socks, pegged pants- you get the idea)
Any way- thanks for sharing the disaster, if it helps, the color is really nice- but only if it helps…
Amy said,
April 8, 2006 at 7:49 pm
Regardless, they are practical. Points for that.
Amy
Theresa said,
April 10, 2006 at 1:39 pm
What fun four funny fabulous (I’m jet lagged – deal) posts to come home to. Now that I’m finally home after the international connection-luggage losing-day (no, wait, 2 days!) from hell. But I digress.
I need to see the Gryffindor socks (and the hideous legwarmers) in person. Seriously. Let’s hang out soon.
sevi said,
April 25, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Hi, I made it to you looking for a review of her tea cosy, but I have complained on my own weblog that the legwarmers took 3 movies per leg (for something about 1/2 the size of her estimate!) and I was told by my lys gal that it is because I knit english and there is all this moving the yarn back and forth and it is time consuming in a back-forth pattern over time. You can lose a lot of time. Same with the tea cosy I just finished but can’t decide whether or not to block. Hope that raises yr spirits, TWO WHOLE YEARS later, lol. Best to you!